What do I want to repent for?
What can I let go of?
What am I still hanging on to?
My vices: Keeping unhealthy options at arms length; needing to be loved; Avoiding rejection at high costs; Impulsiveness; self indulgence (in love, food, sex, and chaos)
I don't feel like my faults fit in here. I'm a work in progress. I'm here for selfish reasons. I know what other have done to me. But God's called me to address what I have done. I'm not ready to just change it all tonight. I need time and space to figure it all out- and it's messy. I need to figure out why I do these things, which requires me to talk honestly and it means I'm not always going to sound all put together. & I'll try not to express my fleeting thoughts with too much emphasis, but sometimes those feeling thoughts feel very REAL in the moment. They feel permanent and intense. So here I am, heart bleeding, and too ugly for anyone to be uncomfortable with here.
Every day feels different.
I wanted to leave, feeling like I'm too big for this small group. But I'm trying to humble myself down and trust the process that God put me right where I need to be. So there must be value in being myself in this right now. I'm taking a leap of faith & trusting you to help me process and improve.
I still live in fear, which causes me to be unable to live in righteousness.
I must guard myself and not allow weakness to show, because that's when I get attacked. (Having back up plans, to have anger, to make excuses, to avoid guilt of my wrongs, because the pain is too much to bare)
When I wonder why God lets these things happen to me, I keep getting met with "God never wastes a hurt". Why did it have to be THIS hurt? Couldn't I have been a good enough person without having this happen to me?
"God never left you" He was THERE? Right THEN? Why didn't he stop it?
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