I am like the birds: already fed. 1/29/2018

"...He also designed a perfect order into his creation..."

Maybe God doesn't exist, maybe scientists have actually figured it all out, and big bang, boom, we are here by chance. 
But on the chance that he is real, and we were designed with a purpose, and life has meaning, that's a pretty big thing, right?
That a super natural being with mathematical perfection, created a universe, with the purposeful design of everything from gravity to what I will eat tomorrow...is most definitely, mind blowing, to say the least.
To feel that awe and wonder, we can remind ourselves through every new thing we learn about our planets and beyond.  We can see how perfect everything has to be, and if one slight thing was different, we quite literally couldn't exist here.

"If God has the capability of maintaining order of all the chaos of the universe, can he not then be the one trusted with the same job of your own life?"

If God is real, then are the hands that can piece our world together, not the hands you would want to be in?  Are those not the hands worthy of being TRUSTED with you life?


I walked into bible study tonight really feeling the conviction of not trusting God over my life.  My entire life feels out of control and completely NOT PLANNED.  So my natural human reaction is to panic until I can find things that I can control.  This is when self harming tendencies tend to kick in hard for me...all my coping mechanisms, right?

-->  Not eating healthy, staying inside, avoiding human interaction, smoking too many cigarettes, and living off manic cycles fueled by caffeine and break up songs.  Constant stimulation.  Creating.  Driving.  Distraction.  Overshare.  Change plans.    Repeat.  (and heavily avoiding prayer, because you have nothing but excuses to offer, and accountability is a hard pill to swallow, so you sit in silence.) <-- 

I'm in the thick of it.  And I can't get over that hump to trusting God, so that I can get through all this crap, with some peace of mind.  And it's mostly finances.  That's the one that always feel so human dependent.  We don't typically just see money problems getting whisked away by God.  It feels more like luck with that sort of thing.  Like a lottery.  Otherwise it's a tangible earthly thing that we typically seperate from any sort of spiritual dependent.

You work: you make money: you make responsible financial decisions: and so forth.

And yet, it's what can completely drain your entire spirit.  Your confidence, your sleep, your time, your mind, your schedule, everything is so dependent on earthly things.  Suddenly the world feels very loud and you have to make a lot of decisions based on what you KNOW.  And we don't KNOW what God will do with our finances.  It has always just felt like a different personal demon.  It causes me a lot of anxiety that I need to very much be in the control of the situation.  Even after countless times that I've had supernatural financial miracles.  Literally.  I've found money in my car on a day I ran out of gas.  I've had checks appear in the mail out of no where the week I lost a job.  Whatever.  All the things.  I am not a person to even claim that I've never had a crazy experience where God, or the universe, or whatever it is that's taking care of us in a supernatural force, had absolutely saved my ass.  And yet, I still can't release control.  I've created a thousand and one back up plans with the belief that I can't just believe that plan A and B are sufficient, and God has C thru Z figured out.

Maybe its that I can't get over the idea that God is "mostly good" not "always good".  I don't WANT to believe that.  I want to believe God is my hero and even when I can't see where he was orchestrating everything perfectly for me, I can at least trust that he was.   And in almost every circumstance I've been through in life I can absolutely see where God was in that time, and how his plan was for good, and to prosper me.  Except in one area of my life.  And this is when I asked for God, and he didn't stop it.  And when I had no voice, and was helpless, he didn't save me. 

They say God never wastes a hurt, but hurts feel like punishments.  And most of my trauma in life, I can say that I played with fire and got burned.  But there's still a lot of trauma that feels so undeserved, and confusing, and I've spent more time repairing from it than I will be able to spend enjoying being healed from it.  It's confusing, it makes me angry, and I just can't understand why it happened.  But the way I see it is I have two options: I can carry that and let that idea take over and accept that God isn't perfect, therefore, making him unable to have ever had a perfect creation, therefore, none of this ever existed, or ever had a purpose.  Life literally becomes meaningless once you eliminate Gods perfection.  Or we can believe that my human brain is still just incapable of seeing his glory through these situations.  We can have faith in the belief that just because I can not comprehend it, doesn't make it impossible.  And that every moment through my suffering, he was there, fighting a big war than I can imagine, and his plan is so perfect and supernatural that we can't put our own limited human perspective against it.  With that belief system, we are literally filled with hope that everything God has said is true, and I am as taken care of as the birds.

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"

I am choosing to believe the impossible, because without it, nothing has purpose.  I believe I'm more valuable than the birds, and just as God perfectly orchestrated this moment to make sure they were fed, I am too.   The biggest leap of faith is believing that we are loved. 

I will not bring tomorrow's worries into today.