Jehovah-Shalom (God of Peace)
Peace: having quietness and confidence (forever).
"To obey is better than sacrifice"
One consequence of disobedience: a lack of peace in your life
peace of mind IS possible in the midst of your trials.
Trials happen because: circumstances, people, and problems
Path to peace: Let go, Trust
Peace does not come with answers-God doesn't owe you any explanation.
Benefits to Peace: Physical health, Psychological health, Relational health, and Spiritual health
To find forgiveness: pray, empathize, act, then confess
Act on reparation with no expectations-you are ONLY responsible for YOU.
Be safe while forgiving-BOUNDARIES.
Don't compromise boundaries
Confess: not:"if I have done something", own it: "I have done something"
If you want joy, chase peace.
Put your truth into practice. And the peace of God will be with you.
God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.
In this world you will have trouble-but Jesus overcame the world so you can, too. It's the unfailing promise.
Seeing how God was there even when its impossible to see how he was there. I need something tangible to hold onto. All I see is the contradiction in scripture. He can move mountains, but he couldn't help me? How do I figure out what I need to figure out?
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
I am like the birds: already fed. 1/29/2018
"...He also designed a perfect order into his creation..."
Maybe God doesn't exist, maybe scientists have actually figured it all out, and big bang, boom, we are here by chance.
But on the chance that he is real, and we were designed with a purpose, and life has meaning, that's a pretty big thing, right?
That a super natural being with mathematical perfection, created a universe, with the purposeful design of everything from gravity to what I will eat tomorrow...is most definitely, mind blowing, to say the least.
To feel that awe and wonder, we can remind ourselves through every new thing we learn about our planets and beyond. We can see how perfect everything has to be, and if one slight thing was different, we quite literally couldn't exist here.
"If God has the capability of maintaining order of all the chaos of the universe, can he not then be the one trusted with the same job of your own life?"
If God is real, then are the hands that can piece our world together, not the hands you would want to be in? Are those not the hands worthy of being TRUSTED with you life?
I walked into bible study tonight really feeling the conviction of not trusting God over my life. My entire life feels out of control and completely NOT PLANNED. So my natural human reaction is to panic until I can find things that I can control. This is when self harming tendencies tend to kick in hard for me...all my coping mechanisms, right?
Maybe its that I can't get over the idea that God is "mostly good" not "always good". I don't WANT to believe that. I want to believe God is my hero and even when I can't see where he was orchestrating everything perfectly for me, I can at least trust that he was. And in almost every circumstance I've been through in life I can absolutely see where God was in that time, and how his plan was for good, and to prosper me. Except in one area of my life. And this is when I asked for God, and he didn't stop it. And when I had no voice, and was helpless, he didn't save me.
They say God never wastes a hurt, but hurts feel like punishments. And most of my trauma in life, I can say that I played with fire and got burned. But there's still a lot of trauma that feels so undeserved, and confusing, and I've spent more time repairing from it than I will be able to spend enjoying being healed from it. It's confusing, it makes me angry, and I just can't understand why it happened. But the way I see it is I have two options: I can carry that and let that idea take over and accept that God isn't perfect, therefore, making him unable to have ever had a perfect creation, therefore, none of this ever existed, or ever had a purpose. Life literally becomes meaningless once you eliminate Gods perfection. Or we can believe that my human brain is still just incapable of seeing his glory through these situations. We can have faith in the belief that just because I can not comprehend it, doesn't make it impossible. And that every moment through my suffering, he was there, fighting a big war than I can imagine, and his plan is so perfect and supernatural that we can't put our own limited human perspective against it. With that belief system, we are literally filled with hope that everything God has said is true, and I am as taken care of as the birds.
I am choosing to believe the impossible, because without it, nothing has purpose. I believe I'm more valuable than the birds, and just as God perfectly orchestrated this moment to make sure they were fed, I am too. The biggest leap of faith is believing that we are loved.
I will not bring tomorrow's worries into today.
Maybe God doesn't exist, maybe scientists have actually figured it all out, and big bang, boom, we are here by chance.
But on the chance that he is real, and we were designed with a purpose, and life has meaning, that's a pretty big thing, right?
That a super natural being with mathematical perfection, created a universe, with the purposeful design of everything from gravity to what I will eat tomorrow...is most definitely, mind blowing, to say the least.
To feel that awe and wonder, we can remind ourselves through every new thing we learn about our planets and beyond. We can see how perfect everything has to be, and if one slight thing was different, we quite literally couldn't exist here.
"If God has the capability of maintaining order of all the chaos of the universe, can he not then be the one trusted with the same job of your own life?"
If God is real, then are the hands that can piece our world together, not the hands you would want to be in? Are those not the hands worthy of being TRUSTED with you life?
I walked into bible study tonight really feeling the conviction of not trusting God over my life. My entire life feels out of control and completely NOT PLANNED. So my natural human reaction is to panic until I can find things that I can control. This is when self harming tendencies tend to kick in hard for me...all my coping mechanisms, right?
--> Not eating healthy, staying inside, avoiding human interaction, smoking too many cigarettes, and living off manic cycles fueled by caffeine and break up songs. Constant stimulation. Creating. Driving. Distraction. Overshare. Change plans. Repeat. (and heavily avoiding prayer, because you have nothing but excuses to offer, and accountability is a hard pill to swallow, so you sit in silence.) <--
I'm in the thick of it. And I can't get over that hump to trusting God, so that I can get through all this crap, with some peace of mind. And it's mostly finances. That's the one that always feel so human dependent. We don't typically just see money problems getting whisked away by God. It feels more like luck with that sort of thing. Like a lottery. Otherwise it's a tangible earthly thing that we typically seperate from any sort of spiritual dependent.
You work: you make money: you make responsible financial decisions: and so forth.
And yet, it's what can completely drain your entire spirit. Your confidence, your sleep, your time, your mind, your schedule, everything is so dependent on earthly things. Suddenly the world feels very loud and you have to make a lot of decisions based on what you KNOW. And we don't KNOW what God will do with our finances. It has always just felt like a different personal demon. It causes me a lot of anxiety that I need to very much be in the control of the situation. Even after countless times that I've had supernatural financial miracles. Literally. I've found money in my car on a day I ran out of gas. I've had checks appear in the mail out of no where the week I lost a job. Whatever. All the things. I am not a person to even claim that I've never had a crazy experience where God, or the universe, or whatever it is that's taking care of us in a supernatural force, had absolutely saved my ass. And yet, I still can't release control. I've created a thousand and one back up plans with the belief that I can't just believe that plan A and B are sufficient, and God has C thru Z figured out.
Maybe its that I can't get over the idea that God is "mostly good" not "always good". I don't WANT to believe that. I want to believe God is my hero and even when I can't see where he was orchestrating everything perfectly for me, I can at least trust that he was. And in almost every circumstance I've been through in life I can absolutely see where God was in that time, and how his plan was for good, and to prosper me. Except in one area of my life. And this is when I asked for God, and he didn't stop it. And when I had no voice, and was helpless, he didn't save me.
They say God never wastes a hurt, but hurts feel like punishments. And most of my trauma in life, I can say that I played with fire and got burned. But there's still a lot of trauma that feels so undeserved, and confusing, and I've spent more time repairing from it than I will be able to spend enjoying being healed from it. It's confusing, it makes me angry, and I just can't understand why it happened. But the way I see it is I have two options: I can carry that and let that idea take over and accept that God isn't perfect, therefore, making him unable to have ever had a perfect creation, therefore, none of this ever existed, or ever had a purpose. Life literally becomes meaningless once you eliminate Gods perfection. Or we can believe that my human brain is still just incapable of seeing his glory through these situations. We can have faith in the belief that just because I can not comprehend it, doesn't make it impossible. And that every moment through my suffering, he was there, fighting a big war than I can imagine, and his plan is so perfect and supernatural that we can't put our own limited human perspective against it. With that belief system, we are literally filled with hope that everything God has said is true, and I am as taken care of as the birds.
Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into
barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more
value than they?"
I am choosing to believe the impossible, because without it, nothing has purpose. I believe I'm more valuable than the birds, and just as God perfectly orchestrated this moment to make sure they were fed, I am too. The biggest leap of faith is believing that we are loved.
I will not bring tomorrow's worries into today.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Before Group reflections. 9/23/18 Full armor of God
Wanting to be obedient on my time.
After it's done feeling good.
Self indulgence.
->Need to be kinder.
->Feeling resentment toward my home. Hating Arizona.
Needing to vent vs. talking badly.
Ephesians 6:13-18 FULL ARMOR OF GOD
1. Girded your loins with truth (scripture).
2. Put on your chestplate of righteousness.
3. Shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace.
4. The shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of evil.
5. Helmet of Salvation
6. Sword of the spirit (word of God)
7. All prayer & Petition
Keep your armor available
->We are in the battle of our souls <-
*But we are not battling alone*
Trials: There's a difference between :getting out" and "getting through"
If you get out-you're going to bring yourself back in, because the work still hasn't been done. It's about growth.
Why believers find more trials than non-believers: If you're not an enemy you're not a target.
God brings you to more trials because once you get through one, he's ready to grow you more.
After it's done feeling good.
Self indulgence.
->Need to be kinder.
->Feeling resentment toward my home. Hating Arizona.
Needing to vent vs. talking badly.
Ephesians 6:13-18 FULL ARMOR OF GOD
1. Girded your loins with truth (scripture).
2. Put on your chestplate of righteousness.
3. Shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace.
4. The shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of evil.
5. Helmet of Salvation
6. Sword of the spirit (word of God)
7. All prayer & Petition
Keep your armor available
->We are in the battle of our souls <-
*But we are not battling alone*
Trials: There's a difference between :getting out" and "getting through"
If you get out-you're going to bring yourself back in, because the work still hasn't been done. It's about growth.
Why believers find more trials than non-believers: If you're not an enemy you're not a target.
God brings you to more trials because once you get through one, he's ready to grow you more.
Harvest Bible Church Notes 9/23/18
James 1:2-15 The crown of life
"Be your brother's keeper" verse?
Trials and temptations:
No one is tempted by God- For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not tempt anyone.
You are tempted when you are enticed by your own lust. We are our own worst enemy.
Rev. 2:10 "Do not fear what you are about to suffer"
James is written for Jews who were being prosecuted.
The beginning of temptation does not begin with trial-the temptation comes after the trial. Our sinful heart is what makes us quickly jump from trial to temptation.
God starts the trial.
"A trial is my gift"
Temptation is from the outside, and some is from within.
Trial given by God --> Trial recieved by me --> Temptation is introduced --> Give in? yes or no.
Yes=death.
You can't give into temptation and get to God.
"Satan has a long grooming process with temptation"
Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is desperately sick" "Who can understand it?"
"if I use temptation to get out of trial, you have sinned"
Take up the armor of God.
"Be your brother's keeper" verse?
Trials and temptations:
No one is tempted by God- For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not tempt anyone.
You are tempted when you are enticed by your own lust. We are our own worst enemy.
Rev. 2:10 "Do not fear what you are about to suffer"
James is written for Jews who were being prosecuted.
The beginning of temptation does not begin with trial-the temptation comes after the trial. Our sinful heart is what makes us quickly jump from trial to temptation.
God starts the trial.
"A trial is my gift"
Temptation is from the outside, and some is from within.
Trial given by God --> Trial recieved by me --> Temptation is introduced --> Give in? yes or no.
Yes=death.
You can't give into temptation and get to God.
"Satan has a long grooming process with temptation"
Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is desperately sick" "Who can understand it?"
"if I use temptation to get out of trial, you have sinned"
Take up the armor of God.
Sitting in my anger with God (tuesday group)
Feeling disconnected, disassociated, confused, manic, holding to hope, because that's all I have right now.
Sitting in my anger with God, because if I let go of my anger towards God, then I have to take responsibility for my part in the events of my life.
If I had listened to God, I wouldn't have allowed the toxic people in my life that hurt me. I was playing with fire.
But that doesn't explain being raped by my brother as a child.
I wasn't playing with fire, and still got burned.
Sitting in my anger with God, because if I let go of my anger towards God, then I have to take responsibility for my part in the events of my life.
If I had listened to God, I wouldn't have allowed the toxic people in my life that hurt me. I was playing with fire.
But that doesn't explain being raped by my brother as a child.
I wasn't playing with fire, and still got burned.
Yom Kippur -Atonement & Repentance 9/18/18-9/19/18
What do I want to repent for?
What can I let go of?
What am I still hanging on to?
My vices: Keeping unhealthy options at arms length; needing to be loved; Avoiding rejection at high costs; Impulsiveness; self indulgence (in love, food, sex, and chaos)
I don't feel like my faults fit in here. I'm a work in progress. I'm here for selfish reasons. I know what other have done to me. But God's called me to address what I have done. I'm not ready to just change it all tonight. I need time and space to figure it all out- and it's messy. I need to figure out why I do these things, which requires me to talk honestly and it means I'm not always going to sound all put together. & I'll try not to express my fleeting thoughts with too much emphasis, but sometimes those feeling thoughts feel very REAL in the moment. They feel permanent and intense. So here I am, heart bleeding, and too ugly for anyone to be uncomfortable with here.
Every day feels different.
I wanted to leave, feeling like I'm too big for this small group. But I'm trying to humble myself down and trust the process that God put me right where I need to be. So there must be value in being myself in this right now. I'm taking a leap of faith & trusting you to help me process and improve.
I still live in fear, which causes me to be unable to live in righteousness.
I must guard myself and not allow weakness to show, because that's when I get attacked. (Having back up plans, to have anger, to make excuses, to avoid guilt of my wrongs, because the pain is too much to bare)
When I wonder why God lets these things happen to me, I keep getting met with "God never wastes a hurt". Why did it have to be THIS hurt? Couldn't I have been a good enough person without having this happen to me?
"God never left you" He was THERE? Right THEN? Why didn't he stop it?
What can I let go of?
What am I still hanging on to?
My vices: Keeping unhealthy options at arms length; needing to be loved; Avoiding rejection at high costs; Impulsiveness; self indulgence (in love, food, sex, and chaos)
I don't feel like my faults fit in here. I'm a work in progress. I'm here for selfish reasons. I know what other have done to me. But God's called me to address what I have done. I'm not ready to just change it all tonight. I need time and space to figure it all out- and it's messy. I need to figure out why I do these things, which requires me to talk honestly and it means I'm not always going to sound all put together. & I'll try not to express my fleeting thoughts with too much emphasis, but sometimes those feeling thoughts feel very REAL in the moment. They feel permanent and intense. So here I am, heart bleeding, and too ugly for anyone to be uncomfortable with here.
Every day feels different.
I wanted to leave, feeling like I'm too big for this small group. But I'm trying to humble myself down and trust the process that God put me right where I need to be. So there must be value in being myself in this right now. I'm taking a leap of faith & trusting you to help me process and improve.
I still live in fear, which causes me to be unable to live in righteousness.
I must guard myself and not allow weakness to show, because that's when I get attacked. (Having back up plans, to have anger, to make excuses, to avoid guilt of my wrongs, because the pain is too much to bare)
When I wonder why God lets these things happen to me, I keep getting met with "God never wastes a hurt". Why did it have to be THIS hurt? Couldn't I have been a good enough person without having this happen to me?
"God never left you" He was THERE? Right THEN? Why didn't he stop it?
HOPE Tuesday Group 9/18/2018 Chapter 24 Part 2
Jehovah-Ya'ats The God of Wisdom & Instruction
(Counselor)
Romans: transform
Proverbs 2:6
Psalms 32:8
Show the value of obedience.
Obedience requires faith, because we are clueless.
Be obedient-immediately
Avoiding obedience is disobedience.
Stop putting human understand on God's will.
-> OBEY COMPLETELY<-
(Little steps) continually.
Hebrews:
Don't take light God's disciplined.
-Lay down your will, and submit to God's.
"live by the spirit & your heart will not desire the way of the world." -verse?
Forgiveness and reparation-
QUIT TRYING TO CONTROL GOD
(Counselor)
Romans: transform
Proverbs 2:6
Psalms 32:8
Show the value of obedience.
Obedience requires faith, because we are clueless.
Be obedient-immediately
Avoiding obedience is disobedience.
Stop putting human understand on God's will.
-> OBEY COMPLETELY<-
(Little steps) continually.
Hebrews:
Don't take light God's disciplined.
-Lay down your will, and submit to God's.
"live by the spirit & your heart will not desire the way of the world." -verse?
Forgiveness and reparation-
QUIT TRYING TO CONTROL GOD
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