#Status:Mom
This new blog is mostly for me, for what I'm still a little unsure of, but I wanted to speak to those few that still look out for my new blog posts. Those like, 5 of you that still keep my view count ticking. Haha!
I am a recovering hoarder, still hoarding my writings, so I haven't deleted either of my past blogs, and instead I've just added this new one. The title is the name I chose for the book I began about 3 or 4 years ago, earlier on in my postpartum days. I had a vision, and much of my book was based on my marriage and my journey into motherhood through the eye of social media. In that time I built community, worked with women, unpacked some of my baggage, got a divorce, moved a thousand miles away, and am now on the other side. My book has completely changed three times. Some of this was changes in my life, changes in my views, and a nice topping of depression and mood swings...which is when my writing is the most flavorful. But today is today, nothing like yesterday, and I've decided to once again, quite impulsively, sweep it all clean again.
So follow, or not, but this will hold most of my rough drafts for my book, my notes from church, and where I type up significanct-to-me words of wisdom or blabber.
Proceed with caution. There is no filter beyond.
God put me here so clearly, so purposefully, its undeniable that he has moved mountains just for me, and this is the first time I've felt peace...externally and internally...in about 4 years. Although, when I say that, I feel like I could keep pushing that number back...6 years, maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 25. But I feel good right now, which is my point. This month in church the word peace has been studied on sunday morning, sunday bible study, and tuesday bible study, and I can't seem to escape it. I've been forced to define, reflect, repent [which truly I haven't actually done, but even putting it on my to do list feels gross, so I must be heading somewhere with that...right?], and put action to my prayer. I've had to come to terms with my depression. I found myself where I need to be externally, and still struggling so deeply internally, and I had to ask "Why?" and then take responsibility in taking the actions to feel better.
I had a conversation with my best friend recently and I told her "How can I be HERE...a state away from all of my problems, feeling safe and secure and loved for the first time in so long, everything I prayed for is right HERE...and I am still waking up every other day battling depression? For so long I just kept saying if this and that was fixed, I wouldn't be depressed any more. Then I worked really hard to make those things disappear. I didn't just sit back whining, I really worked hard. I believed I deserved this peace. And then, I still found myself battling depression. I realize now that maybe depression is just part of my life. I need to stop waiting for it to leave my life officially, and realize that this is something I just struggle with and may need to manage for the rest of my life."
I didn't say this in a woe is me type of way. I truly just had a come to jesus moment of discovering this isn't situational depression. I DEFINITELY have situational anxiety, and thank God, removing huge sources of anxiety in my life has lifted such a heavy weight off of me. But I have true to the form, depression. I am an excited for life, passionate, outgoing, extroverted, faithful and believing, positive, inspiring woman...who is depressed. Its fucking weird. And everyday is different. Some days are better than others. Triggers I suppose. I think of one thing and it's a spiral downward into my own dark shit, and I have trouble getting back out, even when everything is great. I'm caught between wanting to let go of everything I'm holding onto, and knowing I need to hang on a bit longer until I'm done with it...so I don't pick it back up later. Caught in a never ending limbo, and I sometimes feel so deep into wondering if the pain actually ever goes away, or do I just get better at pretending it's all fine, because it's "good enough."
But I want to finish this book, I've started it and restarted it a hundred times. I will feel inspired to share my latest epiphany or personal growth, and feel like I'm on the path to living the story I want to tell, and then I find myself alone in my bath tub, eating a burrito, smoking weed, and screaming out my angry music, and I think "I'll just scrap it all and start from here...start from where the pain is, because that's REAL, and the rest is all bullshit anyways".
Today I'm sort of in-between. I am not here to be someones inspiration. I'm here selfishly. I want to bare it all out there so then I can sort it out, and keep what I want, and trash the rest. I'd like to think I could give hope to someone, but right now I'm not full of hope. Maybe I'll get there. Maybe I'm too critical. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. But here's my ongoing chase, driven by my unshakable faith, and belief that this isn't all thats out there for me. Because if I don't have that, then I don't have anything.
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