Is "survivor" a badge? 6/30/18

"Survivor" seems like a privileged badge.  What about our sisters who didn't make it out alive?  The ones who went out fighting?  The ones who went out silently.  The ones who got no justice.  What about the ones who ended their lives?  These weren't cases of weakness at all.  They fall under the category of victim.  Blegh.

And here I fall under the category of survivor...but all that means is I'm still here.  Which seems minimal.  Because I'm still here feeling tortured and trapped in shame & guilt.  And the anger feels never ending.  I feel like I'm still "surviving" not survived.  I haven't survived shit...I'm not on the other end.  His hands aren't still on me, but I'm still in the thick of it, my mind is still right there.  I can feel it all.  "Survived" implies an end, but this NEVER ENDS.  It doesn't go away, because it can never be undone.  It's your own personal hell that you wear across your entire body.