Harvest Bible Church 9/16/18

"On Earth, as it is in Heaven"

-We are not all born children of God, we must all be reborn-

"Run with perserverance.  It's not a sprint-it's a daily race."

--> Everything that's put in front of us is specific & purposeful<--

Take pride in your humbleness
-James: 1:9-11 (you will wither with the flowers)

{If you're not wise, your trials will find you in the turmoil}

---Book of James is a letter, talking on the circle of trials, riches, and wisdom---

If you don't always have the end game in mind, you will faulter.

Trials hurt, and we can't get out alone.  If it didn't hurt, and we didn't need help, it wouldn't be a trial.

Wisdom helps us understand the trial, and helps us accept and find joy within the trial

Wisdom: found in the gospel, applied by the spirit

Luke 6:20-23
Poor, hungry, and ostracized.  Leap for joy, your reward lies within Heaven.  Don't worry about today.  He has taken care of you.

Suffer WITH him; so you can be glorified with Him.

Suffering is a natural part of your relationship with God.

The sufferings on Earth, not worthy to be compared to the Glory that is to be revealed to us.

Suffer so that you can fall deeper in love.

Even the rich man dies, so what matter in the end?

Glory in your humiliation

God says "you fool!  This VERY night you soul is required of you;..."

Being a believer & being rich is ok.  Just don't forget who owns your money.

When you pursue -things- your relationship with God suffers.

Enter suffering (pursue suffering) because with suffering comes closeness to God. 

Getting rid of distractions is suffering.



When comforting the suffering. when they don't want to be reminded "this isn't permanent"...just sit and suffer with them.
(The counselors of Job sat 7 days)

Reflecting on my love letter to my weaning toddler/DEAR FOREST 9/11/18

"Dear Tucker,

My Oldest baby.  My independent, sweet, self-weaning toddler.  It had been two days since you have asked to nurse, and now here you are in my arms, asking to nurse again after a melt down about having to take a bath.  I love soothing your frustrations.  Sitting in my lap, I can feel your arms stretch around me and your face against my chest, with your feet dangling down by my legs.  You are getting so big now, but you still know just how to cuddle me to melt my heart.  I know these moments are numbered now.  You've learned how to self sooth, you've learned how to put yourself down for naps, and even dad can be all the comfort you need at times.
Breast feeding you for these last 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days is the most challenging, self less, and beautiful thing I've ever done.  But I know I don't have much longer, so this is my letting go letter to you.
This has been the hardest goodbye I've ever faced in my life.  Some days I feel so touched out and done, but then moments like this, with you in my lap, I am reeled right back and and can't imagine this ever ending.  You see, I'm not just saying good bye to those big blue eyes staring up at me.  I'm not just saying goodbye to those night time snuggles where I can hear you snore off and smell your hair.  I'm not just saying good bye to those tears that have fallen down the side of my breast after you've just fallen down and skinned your knee.  I'm saying good bye to the baby who made me a mommy.  Before you I was just Amber, but the moment you were born I earned the best title in the world...A mom!  Now the name Amber just sounds so empty.  I'd rather hear a little voice call me Mommy any day.  You were the one who gave that to me, and now I have to let go of the last of your baby stage.  My heart aches for that loss.  But I'm gaining so much by saying hello to the next chapter in our relationship.  The baby stage went too fast, but I know in my heart I soaked up every moment.  So many times I was so exhausted nursing you every hour of the night, but I never slept unless I couldn't take another second.  Often I'd stay awake and watch you sleep...I never wanted to miss a thing.  I loved watching you dream and wondering if you were dreaming of me, or dreaming of still being inside of me.  I missed being pregnant with you and I know nursing you kept that connection alive for both of us.  I know you sleeping next to me allowed for you to hear my heart and feel my warmth.  I know you gained as much from that as I did.
Someday you'll be grown, and you will be by your wife's side, just like your daddy was next to me, staring at our beautiful creation with complete awe.  She'll be nursing your baby.  She will struggle,a nd be frustrated, and like your dad you'll know how special and important to her it is to succeed at this breastfeeding journey.  You'll give her encouraging words, and you'll read how-to books, and seek help from nurses for her.  When you see your wife's dedication and love on her face for your baby, I hope right then in those moments you get a glimpse of my love and dedication I have for you.  I will forever treasure our nursing relationship, our bond we created, and the blood sweat and tears [literally!] that we shed together.
You are forever my baby.  Thank you for accompanying me on this beautiful journey.
Love,
Your mom

Update 11/17/2015  about 6 months later:

Me: "you haven't nursed in a while, Tuck"
T: "Nope, I don't drink mom milk any more"
Me: "You're all done? Forever?"
T: "yup"
Me: "How about one last time?"
T: "Ok, but this is the last-iest last time ever"
...as he pops off "Thanks mom!"

My heart is shattered...but I did it. I self weaned a toddler. I breastfed Tucker for 3 years 5 months and 3 days. 8 months of which he has shared with Forest. We battled ties, mastitis, pregnancy, blood, sweat, tears, and so much joy. This has been my favorite part of motherhood. It was not easy, but it was sooooo worth it! But I saw it in his face, this was it. He went over 2 weeks without it, and this was our final goodbye. The most goodbye-iest goodbye ever. The was the last time my body would ever nourish his. I made him...I made him, and then my body grew him, and created an entire other organ to keep him alive, and then when he came out, my body made milk to continue to keep him alive. I GREW A HUMAN AND KEPT HIM ALIVE. The moments I'll forever treasure: First latch, hand stands, picking my nose while he nursed, tandem nursing and holding hands with Forest, making me nurse his dinosaurs, all the times his tears would fall down my chest and somehow my milk made it all better, all the late nights just him and I, the old man in walmart, calling them his bestfriends, telling me they taste like chocolate, helping me pump for Elliott, ok...now I'm crying. I can't believe this is over. It feels like a lifetime ago that I didn't make milk...it's just a part of my life now and I can't remember not ever doing it. So here it is, I'm no longer a tandem nurser. Tucker is no longer a baby, he's no longer a toddler. He grew up into a healthy, loving, crazy, hyper, and smart little boy...and I'd like to think our nursing relationship had a lot to do with that.  <3 
Goodbye baby Tucker. "

This was over 3 years ago.  Let's catch up, since this just made me step back. 

I'm so angry.  There are many things you compromise as a parent.  There are hard days, and I choose to feed them shitty food to get through the day, or I choose to ignore certain behaviors because I'm exhausted, or I ended up letting them have more control over things I thought I wouldn't compromise on.  BUT, when a parenting choice was ripped from you it creates such a deep wound.  It made me feel like HE won over my body.  Like what he did to me finally got the best of me.

Forest didn't get a letter like this from me.  I fear the day he asks me why.  What do I tell him?  I could play it off like "mommy just didn't have time the second time...poor second child, you." Which is such shit.  Or, I could tell him the truth.  

______________________________________

Dear Forest, my hurt and confused forcefully weaned baby, who is still aching months and months since his last nursing,

I am so sorry.

Please know that the last time I nursed you I cried.  I didn't want to let go.  But I was also fighting back the vomit as it choked me.  I breathed deep and counted in my head so that this memory would remain good, and not end with me shouting at you.  Nursing aversion is real, and is nothing new to me, but this time was different.  When I nursed you I was flooded with images of men who hurt me.  I had never experienced ptsd flash backs before, but due to recent events I was a new kind of off-my-rocker, and you were suffering because of it.  I had to choose...do I continue nursing you while it tortures me, and only leaves you confused on why mommy replaced warm cuddles with a stiff body?  Or do I let this go as easy as possible, and make some forced growth happen for the both of us?  You were 3, and everyone told me that you would be resilient and I had already given so much, so I made my choices.  I want you to know that when you are an adult, you have to make choices between two options that either both feel right, or both feel wrong, and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and pick a path.  I am never going to be here to tell you I made all the right choices.  I just want you to carry on knowing that I always did the best I could with what I had available to me at that moment.  I wanted to reflect back on our nursing days with happy memories, so that would be what I could fill you up with, rather than our last days be full of confusion for the both of us.

I'm not a believer in burdening children with your experiences just to relieve yourself of your guilt, which is why if you ever see this, you will be much older.  But I also want to be transparent with you, so as we grow older together you can be clear in the truth and make decisions and opinions for yourself.  I also am responsible for growing you into a man, and I am responsible for making you into a man that betters the world, not worsens it.  I want you to know what humans are capable of doing, so you can foster a world that can fight evil instead of becoming it.  All humans are capable of hurting other humans, but I believe if you listen, you can avoid hurting a lot of people.  There is power in sharing your story, because sharing your story stops history from repeating.  It also helps you understand the reality of those on the other side.  And maybe you will fall in love with a woman who has been on this side of things, and it's my job to prepare you to know how to love a woman, how to see a woman, and how to hear a woman.  And statistically speaking, it is likely that at some point in your life you will be a lover to a woman who was hurt like me.  And maybe you will father her children, and you will have to walk by her side through exactly where I am in my life RIGHT NOW.  So Forest, right now you may be an 18 year old just discovering the complexity of women.  Or maybe you are 26 and about to be a father to a woman who has just discovered that the biggest ptsd trigger she has ever experienced is this newly postpartum period and its your baby she is caring for.  I want you to hear the heart of the first woman in your life, so that you can care for every woman who comes in your life after me.  

Your dad and I separated in the middle of our nursing relationship.  You spent the first 9 months nursing by your brothers side, sharing your milk every day with your best friend.  Tucker weaned and we enjoyed another 2 years to ourselves.  I nourished your body day in and day out, on demand.  I twirled your hair in my fingers as you squeezed me close, dozens of times a day.  I want you to know that everything I gave Tucker, I gave to you, until I couldn't any more.  The phrase "I gave you my body" is not a dramatization.  I gave you my entire body, 24 hours a day, and everything i did revolved around what you needed for comfort and growth.  I don't say that with resentment, I say that with pride and a love so deep it actually aches in my chest.  I love you more than you can ever imagine.  

Our separation has never been your business, and it doesn't matter anyways.  Maybe he didn't fight enough, but I was difficult to be with.  Maybe he didn't communicate, but I know I came with baggage he wasn't capable of taking on.  Maybe he was lazy and irresponsible, but I was impulsive and anxious.  None of it matters now, but at the time it DID matter, and I was a fucking mess.  Divorce was the right choice, but it was a hard choice, and it affected all of us.  That's just the reality.  We vow that we won't let things affect the kids when we make these big decisions, but that's not how it is.  We make decisions that we know will affect the kids, knowing that we are preventing more pain in the future.  That's what being a mom is.  Trying to make the best choices based on what we know in that moment, and in that moment I knew that taking on the weight and mess that comes with divorce was going to affect our nursing relationship, and everything else.  But I knew that taking a hit on your toddlerhood would ultimately give us freedom to have some amazing things for you in your childhood and through your adulthood.  So I made the choice.  Most of the days in those months of transitioning our family are mostly a blur.  I worked multiple jobs with multiple shift hours.  I got two hours of sleep in the morning, and two hours at night.  I worked graveyard jobs so I only had to be away full time from you at night, and only away from you when you were awake minimally at my par time day jobs.  I did the best to identify what you needed the most and tried to keep as much normalcy in your life at the cost of my own comfort and sanity.  Instead of putting you into daycare, I chose to sleep less, take care of you during the day, homeschool your brother, and let you sleep at your dads at night.  But I broke.  Sleep deprivation came with suicidal thoughts, impulsive behavior, confusion, resentment, and anger.  Everything felt so unfair.  Just when I couldn't handle anymore, I was given more.  Circumstantially, this time in our lives was the hardest I had ever experienced.  Every thing I did was for you and your brother.  Even when I was doing things for myself, it was so that I could be a better mom to you.

I wonder if the pains I see in you now when you are still begging for milk and comfort half a year after weaning, will be pain that will leak into your emotional being the rest of your life.  I have to believe that whatever pain you are experiencing now, is better than the pain I prevented from happening if I had chosen differently, but it doesn't stop me from being sorry.  My heart is broken every day for the things that didn't turn out the way I thought they would for you, for all of us.  But if you're reading this, then we made it.  And I believe we will make it.

I vow to you that I'm going to handle my shit.  I'm going to get healthy.  I'm going to get a grip, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life stripping away the parts of me that are holding me back, and replace them with healthy habits, beliefs, and faith.  And I'm not just going to do that for myself, I'm doing it for you two.  I'm never going to let a man win over what I want with my own body every again.  I won't ever be a victim again.  And that starts with making sure I make you into men who break cycles, which can only be done by a mother who has healthy boundaries and a clear vision of her path.

Please love your wife.  Protect her.  Be patient.  Be gentle.  Listen.  Educate yourself.  Support her. Help her.  Take on her emotional load too-care about the things she cares about.  Empower her.  Hold space and time for her.  

I love you son.

HOPE (tuesday group) 9/11/18 Chapter 24 Jehovah-Ya'ats Wisdom & Instruction [2nd time hearing]

Spiritual Maturity: When you choose to be obedient even when you don't feel like it.

"Give careful thought to your ways"
Obedience is the catalyst to prayer-it makes it happen.
Obedience requires faith (in His plan)

--> BE OPEN TO REVIECING <--

God doesn't waste a hurt, keep going.

It gets harder to obey the longer you wait.  It gets easier to justify & procrastinate.
Hate how obedience feels?  Do it anyways-the right emotions will catch up with time.  Trust the process.  Trust the sacrifices.

**I only obey because I fear the consequences, not because I want to be obedient.  How do I change this attitude?  How do I WANT to obey, just to please God?**

What is God asking me to be obedient with in my life right now?  Why am I fighting it?
After some reflection, the two main things God is asking for obedience in right now are: eliminating my vices as options at all.  I justify this by saying "I'm not currently partaking in any of vices, then theres no harm in keeping them there in the back of my mind" but truthfully I always orchestrate back up plans to make sure they are available at my fingertips whenever I want them.  He is also calling me to be more obedient in prayer, and taking action in my healing process...including surrounding myself with godly fellowship, and eliminating the things in my life holding me back.

RUN TO THE PATH, HE WILL SET YOU FREE.  

Don't wait.  Don't hesitate.  Everything is orchestrated just for you.

Why God's way?  Check Isaiah 55:8

God's promises to you if you obey:

• You will live longer
• You will have what all you need
• You will have what you ask for (if your will is aligned with God's will)
• You will live in freedom
• You will be able to show God's love through you
• You will be wise
• You will be blessed
• You will be pure
• You will be WISE (because wisdom is knowledge with action)
• You will be successful
• You will be honored and have delight
• You will have peace
• & You will have Heaven.  

All of these things are backed with scripture and are promised to those who believe & obey.

**What does healing actually look like?  Is this a tangible thing that I can actually hang on to?  I'm feeling hopeless that healing is possible for me.**

"My callings from God in this area will be different, but obedience will be required of both of us."

Universal calls from God: 

• 10 commandments
• Love
• Follow
• Worship
• Witness
• Godliness
• Holiness
• Live by the Holy Spirit
• & Action.

Discipline yourself in your own relationship with God, so you can discipline your kids, so they can be prepared to be disciplined in their relationship with God and what he calls them to do.

I am a woman, and this is what I think.

This title belongs to an entire different writing project, but my scrambled potential poetry fell below the title, with nothing on topic filling in what I intended.

I think you're obsessed with my mess.
That's the only logical explanation for why you listen so intently.

I stopped writing so you wouldn't see
and misconstrue me
Don't you hate it when that trauma comes sneaking in just to remind you that you're never going to be ok.  Don't worry I annoy myself enough for the both of us

-"You never know what you've been through until you go to cough it out"-

As if you have anything worthy to say

The memories are getting fainter and fainter, but I know I'll always hate her
I'll forever remember how she made you felt.
That horrible taste she brought about.
I just want it out, I want it out.

All----the roads that never lead
We drove every inch and seemed to never have much more to need
Not knowing if it's really love or just that rambling weed

I'm a different kind of reckless
I like the time it takes to get somewhere.  When the adrenaline strips you raw.

I try not to be your chaos, but you seem to like it.  Maybe you really are just obsessed with the mess.  Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself.

HOPE Sunday Group 9/9/18 Chapter 26 Jehovah Shalom God of Peace (Part 2-second time hearing)

Guilt can be as damaging as ___

What is my guilt? [create blue print]
How do I express guilt?
What responsibility in the situation belongs to me?  (admitting fault)
How can I let it go?

"It is done"-Christ

"Come to God clearly and simply"

Act of reparation-confess & heal

Truth:
Hope: God is unchanging
Love:

Church Notes Harvest Bible Church 9/9/18 Trust God Fully

Wisdom-applying the Gospel to our life.

Being a double minded person is unstable
James 1:5
You must understand God before can trust him.

The bible is Gods love letter to us.

God doesn't give us anything that isn't good for us.
Ugh..but what is "Good?"

God is unchanging-he isn't moody

He jealously desires us.  James 4:3 "A jealous God"
Jealousy is Godly?

Generously: specifically single minded, not just abundantly

Luke 11:34
When your eye is clear, your whole body is full of light

He gives to us with no deliverance of shame.

But you must ask in faith without any doubting for the one who doubts is like the surf in the sea: driven and tossed by the wind

Non believer's good works have no worth.  If there is no faith there's no chance of pleasing God with what you do.

Matt 7:11

If we take care of our children, what length do you believe God will go for us?

Double mindedness makes us go all over the place.  God requires single-mindedness to give us wisdom.

James 4:3 you ask, and you do not revive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

**I need a more tangible definition of single/double mindedness

HOPE Tuesday Group Chapter 23 Jehovah-Ya'ats God of Wisdom & Instruction

Jehovah-Ya'ats God of Wisdom & Instruction

Ways to lifestyle change: The bible, prayer, other christian, the holy spirit

The bible: God's wisdom.  The fear of the lord is wisdom.  Wisdom is the key to successfully rebuild.  Wisdom gives us protection.
"Rebuild"  "protection"  The two things I've been praying for.  It's becoming very clear that God is sending me sermons on wisdom for a reason: he wants obedience.  I keep fighting it.

The armor of God is the sword of the word.  Action is required.  Action is the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

The holy spirit:  The counselor.  The reminder of what God has already told you.  He empowers you to live a Godly life.  He guides us and is part of us and gifts us.

Prayer:  Finds comfort and strength.  Talk WITH God (listen more).  Through prayer we become aligned with God's will.  It's surrendering with the peace that comes with prayer, comes clarity and understanding.

Other followers:  Faithful community.  Proverbs 13:20

Our experiences:  God never wastes a hurt.

Truth, Hope, and Love:
Truth: need to be willing to accept.  He guides the humble.
Hope: He never ceases to provide
Love: unfailing

Church Notes Harvest Bible Church 9/2/2018 Contentment

1 Tim 6:2-8
"we care for our crops because we have hope for harvest"  God's love for us, because he has hope for us.

Phil 4:11-13 contentment:  satisfied, adaptable
Phil 4:7-Guard your heart [peace guards your heart]
1 Tim 6:6-8 Contentment with God is wealth.  We came into this world with nothing, and that is how we will leave.  "The lord is my Shepard, I shall not want."
"Cheerful giver"

**What does contentment mean to me?  How does material loss affect me?  Anxiety stems from discontentment.  Feeling of insufficient love.

If you are not content where you are at, you won't be satisfied if it's doubled.

"May your silver perish with you"  The rich is not always Godly, but the Godly is always rich.

2 Cor 9:8 You are blessed to bless others.  Community.  God made is so we would need each other.

Is this a sermon of privilege? "God always provides our needs"  But what if I'm NOT having my needs met?  What do I tell myself?  How do I make sense of this?  What happens when your faith in God doesn't come from experience of God meeting your needs, but because the hope in God is all you have?  You need to believe so badly it will get  better.  Your belief in God is simply just a positive attitude.  Optimism...is that what true faith is?  Just optimism? 

When did God meet my needs?  ___
When did he not? ___

Questioning if any discontentment is ever justified?  Would 100% contemned disconnect community and fellowship?  Is the purpose of my discontentment once again finding/providing community and fellowship?

Is my way-yaweh's?

Align your desires with God's desires
"Surrender yourself to the doors that God DOES open"

"Providence"?

HOPE 8/26 Sunday Group Chapter 26 Jehovah Shalom-God of Peace

Jehovah Shalom (God of Peace)

Forgiveness & reparation have EVERYTHING to do with peace.

Anger & resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  It only harms ourselves.

Anger & resentment makes you the victim all over again.

The prayer of release

Justice is not our job.

Church Notes Harvest Bible Church, Gilbert, Arizona 8/26/18 The action of wisdom

THE ACTION OF WISDOM

Worldy wisdom ends "here" on Earth.

The Christian defiency: Wisdom

Wisdom vs Knowledge

Wisdom tears down arrogance and ego, because wisdom doesn't come from us.

James 3:17 defines wisdom.
Wisdom from God: pure, gentle, peaceful, full of mercy, unwavering, without hypocrisy.

If wisdom and knowledge stays in my head, it is not valuable.  Get it from you head, to your heart, & out of your mouth.

Psalms 111:10
The fear of God begins wisdom
The fear of God comes with knowing God
Fearing God is not truly fearing God unless you act on your fear of God.  {obedience}
Even satan knows God, but he doesn't have Godly wisdom

Proverbs 4:5-15
Acquire Wisdom ->  Get understanding. -> "Guard her, for she is your life!"  (her is wisdom)

Evil: Not wisdom, anti-wisdom
Lack of wisdom is actually evil
Wisdom will honor you

Wisdom today: "not following the commandments"
Wisdom today: is preaching a crucified Christ
Wisdom today: is preaching grace.

Wisdom does not end at the grave/cross
Wisdom is not something we have to find
(like in the old testament wisdom was obedience because they did not have jesus.  Wisdom, we already have -the death of Christ-)
Wisdom is being bible-literate

Knowledge: you can know about God but still reject him.
Wisdom: knowing God and being like Christ

Suffering: is valuable

**What is the lesson in my suffering?  When I find that answer will the suffering end?  Or will it just be "okay" because I survived?  Will I be satisfied fully with just knowing that something good came from it?  Will I actually prosper from this pain?  Or will I only get relief once I die?**

At the end of the trial: bring the glory to God.

God shows his light through us all uniquely.  Honor that.  Together we unite perfectly.  "All the worlds a stage, we all have different gifts to help each other, it's up to you to use it"

No more trials in Heaven.

Prayer: Col. 1:9

Is there a method to God's Madness?

James 1:2-4 Testing of your faith produces endurance

The other side: in the end your trial made you shine your light even brighter

"The suffering servant"

The only difference between us & demons is lack of obedience.  They have knowledge, but no wisdom.

Is "survivor" a badge? 6/30/18

"Survivor" seems like a privileged badge.  What about our sisters who didn't make it out alive?  The ones who went out fighting?  The ones who went out silently.  The ones who got no justice.  What about the ones who ended their lives?  These weren't cases of weakness at all.  They fall under the category of victim.  Blegh.

And here I fall under the category of survivor...but all that means is I'm still here.  Which seems minimal.  Because I'm still here feeling tortured and trapped in shame & guilt.  And the anger feels never ending.  I feel like I'm still "surviving" not survived.  I haven't survived shit...I'm not on the other end.  His hands aren't still on me, but I'm still in the thick of it, my mind is still right there.  I can feel it all.  "Survived" implies an end, but this NEVER ENDS.  It doesn't go away, because it can never be undone.  It's your own personal hell that you wear across your entire body.

Neighborhood 6/10/18 Communion GRACE

Grace

Romans 8

:38
"You are as secure in God as God is secure in Heaven"
No condemnation; no seperation.

Security in Heaven has nothing to do with you rove for Christ, but all to do with Christ's love for you.

Even if you invent a sin no one else has done, Gd wouldn't flicker.

Our love is nice, but it is small.  Gods love matters much more.  Stop putting human limitations, or expectations, on God's love.

How you feel doesn't affect how God sees you.

:26-39
God is irrevocable and unapologetically FOR you.
"So who could stand against?"

**You can hurt every other part of me, but you can't touch the love of God that's FOR me.**

I love the moments in the bible where God sounds like a total badass.  He reveals himself as gentle, and empathetic, and just, honest, and unchanging...but there are times when he is final, firm, and clear.  When I can use those verse to protect myself, it builds confidence.  When I feel broken, and used, and gross, and touched, and dirty, and hurt, and rejected, and shameful, I can tell myself, and those who I battle, that every part of me can be hurt or fractured, but God's love for me is untouchable, therefore making me unbreakable.

For the saved, Death is your birthday for immortality.
Devil's army are his bags of death, guilt, shame, grief, obstacles..

"I will build my church in the Gates of Hell"

Jesus: "Do not fear soldier, I have not brought you here to let you fall now"  Worth it!

Church Notes Harbor Trinity Easter 2018

Easter Service 2018
Pastor Rod-the pastor who did Jeff's funeral.

Mark:
Easter Trials?  Was the body stolen?  Sabbath?  Anoint?  Spices they used?
"Who will roll away with the stone?"  The angel did.  They had to wait until Sunday because Saturday was the sabbath.
Luke:
Why did mary not know he had risen?  "Why do you look for the living among the dead?"
He avoided meeting them in the graveyard on purpose.  Jesus appears after his death to more than 500 people.
**Have I been looking for life in the valleys of death?**
John:
"Where have they taken him?"-Mary magdaline (she was in denial of good news)
"Why are you crying woman?"-Jesus.  He stood before her and she did not recognize him.

"Living a life of many misfortunes that never happened"  (perception and anxiety.)
"Who is it you're looking for?"
"Nirvana"

Mary never stopped looking for Jesus, and Jesus honored that by revealing himself to only her in the graveyard.

How will Jesus reveal himself in "this" relationship.
He will always show himself if you seek him.

Church Notes-Harbor Trinity, Costa Mesa, CA 3/8/18 FREEDOM

Freedom
The fear of tomorrow

Matthew 6
:25 (worry)

"Can any of your worries add a single hour to your life?"  -ye of little faith
:33 Seek his kingdom first, and all these things shall come
:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow-tomorrow will take care of itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own"

(repetition implies importance)

Martha & Mary - Abundance

Greater to lesser: Why would he make a body and not meet the needs?  If he cares for the birds, are we not worth more than the birds?

It is not the lack of faith-its the deficiency of faith.

Let God dominate our thoughts.

The call of God will never take us where the grace of God will not follow.

Need not to worry before the problem occurs.

Prayerful preparation is encouraged, not laziness.
God helps us help ourselves.  This is a passage against worry-not work.

Constructive concern: Responsible
Destructive fear: losing sleep, stumping growth, keeping us immobile

We catastraphosize our problems.

How not to worry:
Acknowledge past faithfulness of God.
Proverbs 31: she laughs without fear for the future.

Leave worry for the non-believers.

#Status:Mom 9/9/2018

#Status:Mom

This new blog is mostly for me, for what I'm still a little unsure of, but I wanted to speak to those few that still look out for my new blog posts.  Those like, 5 of you that still keep my view count ticking.  Haha!

I am a recovering hoarder, still hoarding my writings, so I haven't deleted either of my past blogs, and instead I've just added this new one.  The title is the name I chose for the book I began about 3 or 4 years ago, earlier on in my postpartum days.  I had a vision, and much of my book was based on my marriage and my journey into motherhood through the eye of social media.  In that time I built community, worked with women, unpacked some of my baggage, got a divorce, moved a thousand miles away, and am now on the other side.  My book has completely changed three times.  Some of this was changes in my life, changes in my views, and a nice topping of depression and mood swings...which is when my writing is the most flavorful.  But today is today, nothing like yesterday, and I've decided to once again, quite impulsively, sweep it all clean again.

So follow, or not, but this will hold most of my rough drafts for my book, my notes from church, and where I type up significanct-to-me words of wisdom or blabber.

Proceed with caution.  There is no filter beyond.

God put me here so clearly, so purposefully, its undeniable that he has moved mountains just for me, and this is the first time I've felt peace...externally and internally...in about 4 years.  Although, when I say that, I feel like I could keep pushing that number back...6 years, maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 25.  But I feel good right now, which is my point.  This month in church the word peace has been studied on sunday morning, sunday bible study, and tuesday bible study, and I can't seem to escape it.  I've been forced to define, reflect, repent [which truly I haven't actually done, but even putting it on my to do list feels gross, so I must be heading somewhere with that...right?], and put action to my prayer.  I've had to come to terms with my depression.  I found myself where I need to be externally, and still struggling so deeply internally, and I had to ask "Why?" and then take responsibility in taking the actions to feel better.
I had a conversation with my best friend recently and I told her "How can I be HERE...a state away from all of my problems, feeling safe and secure and loved for the first time in so long, everything I prayed for is right HERE...and I am still waking up every other day battling depression?  For so long I just kept saying if this and that was fixed, I wouldn't be depressed any more.  Then I worked really hard to make those things disappear.  I didn't just sit back whining, I really worked hard.  I believed I deserved this peace.  And then, I still found myself battling depression.  I realize now that maybe depression is just part of my life.  I need to stop waiting for it to leave my life officially, and realize that this is something I just struggle with and may need to manage for the rest of my life."
I didn't say this in a woe is me type of way.  I truly just had a come to jesus moment of discovering this isn't situational depression.  I DEFINITELY have situational anxiety, and thank God, removing huge sources of anxiety in my life has lifted such a heavy weight off of me.  But I have true to the form, depression.  I am an excited for life, passionate, outgoing, extroverted, faithful and believing, positive, inspiring woman...who is depressed.  Its fucking weird.  And everyday is different.  Some days are better than others.  Triggers I suppose.  I think of one thing and it's a spiral downward into my own dark shit, and I have trouble getting back out, even when everything is great.  I'm caught between wanting to let go of everything I'm holding onto, and knowing I need to hang on a bit longer until I'm done with it...so I don't pick it back up later.  Caught in a never ending limbo, and I sometimes feel so deep into wondering if the pain actually ever goes away, or do I just get better at pretending it's all fine, because it's "good enough."
But I want to finish this book, I've started it and restarted it a hundred times.  I will feel inspired to share my latest epiphany or personal growth, and feel like I'm on the path to living the story I want to tell, and then I find myself alone in my bath tub, eating a burrito, smoking weed, and screaming out my angry music, and I think "I'll just scrap it all and start from here...start from where the pain is, because that's REAL, and the rest is all bullshit anyways".
Today I'm sort of in-between.  I am not here to be someones inspiration.  I'm here selfishly.  I want to bare it all out there so then I can sort it out, and keep what I want, and trash the rest.  I'd like to think I could give hope to someone, but right now I'm not full of hope.  Maybe I'll get there.  Maybe I'm too critical.  Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  But here's my ongoing chase, driven by my unshakable faith, and belief that this isn't all thats out there for me.  Because if I don't have that, then I don't have anything.