No longer rejecting ALL my pieces.

💓 I'm learning to love the unique pieces of me that are so clearly tied to my trauma.  This has been the strangest part of healing for me, and how I can tell I'm over the hardest parts.  Everything from my sexual preferences to my eating habits have these strange little ties.  I cant reject them all because then I'd have nothing left.  I worked so hard to reject any part that reflected my abuser that at a very young age I found myself in a puddle of unworthiness and shame.  But as I learn to embrace the ones that didnt carry any internal self harming thoughts, I found myself having more confidence, more self awareness, and more peace honestly.

A lot of these pieces are just for me to know. But this time I met a woman with the same quirk.  Maybe this is one that any woman in our society relates to at some point.  I always felt like I walked in a sea of women of all ages who did everything they could to attract a man.  They would spend hours on their clothes, hair, and make up.  This tom-boy hated it all. It wasn't until adulthood did I really unlayer all of my detest to this ideology: that we some how needed to attract a man.  Thats so silly.  Even in my twelve year old adolecent mind I knew that it was proposterous to think you had to do ANYTHING to attract a man.  Ironically, as young girls we are told that wearing a certain look was what caused us to not only BE raped, but to deserve rape.  But as so many women can attest to...most of us were raped in every day clothing.  For me?  My pajamas.
As horrific as this was it really led me with the engrained confidence that, well, I could be sexy in anything. 🤷And it shows. Im never afraid to wear what makes me happy, I spent time attracting men with my internal qualities, and removing these thoughts of vanity gave me mind-space to beautify the parts of me that would last forever: like my heart and mind.
Maybe it came from a really dark place, but I'm taking the good from the bad 💕  I dont like to share advice with other survivors...but I like to normalize thoughts that are in all of our heads.  Our brains become our own personal prisons constantly contemplating whats normal and whats not ok.  Im in no place to say anything is a healthy or unhealthy mindset, but I think we all need to know we arent alone.  As raw and gross and gritty as it is, its given me a since of freedom and autonomy to know that nothing I do with my body really affects any outcome. I'll be loved or I won't. I'll be hurt or I won't. I'll be raped or I won't.  And the benefit of learning that daily gamble is that you might as well embrace your natural authentic self. And personally... I feel sexy in a big tshirt. 😂👌 

Dear Forest, You're 4.

Dear Forest,

This is the last night you are three years old.  I will never forget the overwhelming love that hit me the moment I saw your face.  Truthfully, I never felt it during my pregnancy.  I planned you, wanted you, was so grateful for your health, but I just didn't "feel it" with you.  I think I was so terrified that somehow loving you would take away from your brother.  I stayed disconnected, so that I could stay connected to Tucker for as long as I could before you came.  But then you did come...very quickly, and my heart ACTUALLY grew and doubled in size to give you the same love that I have for Tucker.   And there's something so significant about the timing of your arrival into my life.  You were a mile marker for me.  I had complete control of my body for the first time in my life the night I brought you Earth side.  It was painful, intense, vulnerable, and pushed me as absolutely the furthest I could have possibly gone.  Tucker made me a mom, but you made me a woman (a woman with a voice, and strength that came solely from herself).  Tucker made me believe in God, and then you made me believe in myself.  From that moment on, I changed.  I decided to go for what I want.  In my career, in my love life, in myself.  You made me brave, you made me strong, and then as we grew together, we kept each other wild.

Every day that I wake up to your face I see my spirit in you.  Tucker got my soul, but you have my spirit through and through.  Your desire for love, your need for thrill, your all or nothing attitude about everything.   I see your tender and passionate love.  I see your silliness, and how you value your time the way I do.  You just want it all: all the love, all the attention, all the food, all of the energy.  You want to touch it, affect it, soak it up, squeeze it dry, taste it in your soul, all 100% of you.  It can't just be a bowl of ice cream, it needs to be a full on sundae.  Volume is full blast, windows are down, and you're always wearing your "Sunday's best".  You love life, all of it: all the emotions, all the activities, all the people you've been given.  Your heart is so big, and so fiercely free.  You are untamable, and the easiest thing I've ever done is to let go of anyone in my life who dares to try to tame you.

Someday you're going to share your life with another, and I wish them luck.  You are a force, and only the best will be able to keep up.  I have no idea where you're going to go in life, but I know wherever you go, you will go fully, with every bit of your heart.  You don't waste a single bit of yourself, and you make my sun so much brighter every day.

I can't believe you aren't even a toddler any more.  The last 4 years has been remarkable.  Watching you learn how to share your space and heart with your brother has been the most incredible experience.  You have traveled to 6 states with Tucker and I (only 2 behind tucker!), and have about 20,000 miles under your belt of living on the road part time with me.  You've touched every plant and ate every type of dirt from Canada to Mexico.  I want to give you every inch of this world, but it's already completely yours for the taking.  You are naturally (kind of) timid, backed with a desire to face all of your fears full-on, which has left us with so many memories and shared experiences of bravery...and some stitches.  A protector of your family, having everyone completely wrapped around your dirty, sticky, little finger.  A theatrical genius, having everyone entertained, every single day.  I don't deserve you.  Every time I pour love into your tank, you pour it right back into me, overflowing me, melting me.  You see me, and you have let me know from day one, that you are fully aware and connected to the love that I give you.  We don't hesitate, we don't doubt, we don't struggle.  We are 100% in full understanding of each other, completely secure in our mother-son dynamic.

You are not just the chaos you bring to the room.  You are the one who ignites the fire inside of us.  You remind us of what we could be.  You are authenticity and confidence all wrapped up in a freckle faced package.  Growing you into your own person, with your own opinions, is the coolest thing I've ever done.  It just feels natural to be your teacher.  I understand you.  I know what it feels like to have and to need so much love.  Life is intense for us.  There is everything to see, feel, and love.  You see that our time here is limited, and you don't want to miss a thing.  You're excited, and ready, and thirsty.  You are also the "too much" person that not everyone was made to be able to handle (leave them for the boring people), and for that I'm here.  Give it to me.  The love, the heart ache, the guilt, the shame, the never ending hugs...flood me over.  I've been practicing my whole life for this: to be able to show you that you are never too much for someone who can't get enough of you.  You never have to apologize for being you.


I love you.  Happy birthday baby.

HOPE Sunday group 9/23/18 Chapter 27

Jehovah-Shalom (God of Peace)

Peace: having quietness and confidence (forever).

"To obey is better than sacrifice"

One consequence of disobedience: a lack of peace in your life

peace of mind IS possible in the midst of your trials.

Trials happen because: circumstances, people, and problems

Path to peace: Let go, Trust

Peace does not come with answers-God doesn't owe you any explanation.

Benefits to Peace: Physical health, Psychological health, Relational health, and Spiritual health

To find forgiveness: pray, empathize, act, then confess

Act on reparation with no expectations-you are ONLY responsible for YOU.

Be safe while forgiving-BOUNDARIES.
Don't compromise boundaries

Confess: not:"if I have done something", own it: "I have done something"

If you want joy, chase peace.

Put your truth into practice.  And the peace of God will be with you.

God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.

In this world you will have trouble-but Jesus overcame the world so you can, too.  It's the unfailing promise.

Seeing how God was there even when its impossible to see how he was there.  I need something tangible to hold onto.  All I see is the contradiction in scripture.  He can move mountains, but he couldn't help me?  How do I figure out what I need to figure out?

I am like the birds: already fed. 1/29/2018

"...He also designed a perfect order into his creation..."

Maybe God doesn't exist, maybe scientists have actually figured it all out, and big bang, boom, we are here by chance. 
But on the chance that he is real, and we were designed with a purpose, and life has meaning, that's a pretty big thing, right?
That a super natural being with mathematical perfection, created a universe, with the purposeful design of everything from gravity to what I will eat tomorrow...is most definitely, mind blowing, to say the least.
To feel that awe and wonder, we can remind ourselves through every new thing we learn about our planets and beyond.  We can see how perfect everything has to be, and if one slight thing was different, we quite literally couldn't exist here.

"If God has the capability of maintaining order of all the chaos of the universe, can he not then be the one trusted with the same job of your own life?"

If God is real, then are the hands that can piece our world together, not the hands you would want to be in?  Are those not the hands worthy of being TRUSTED with you life?


I walked into bible study tonight really feeling the conviction of not trusting God over my life.  My entire life feels out of control and completely NOT PLANNED.  So my natural human reaction is to panic until I can find things that I can control.  This is when self harming tendencies tend to kick in hard for me...all my coping mechanisms, right?

-->  Not eating healthy, staying inside, avoiding human interaction, smoking too many cigarettes, and living off manic cycles fueled by caffeine and break up songs.  Constant stimulation.  Creating.  Driving.  Distraction.  Overshare.  Change plans.    Repeat.  (and heavily avoiding prayer, because you have nothing but excuses to offer, and accountability is a hard pill to swallow, so you sit in silence.) <-- 

I'm in the thick of it.  And I can't get over that hump to trusting God, so that I can get through all this crap, with some peace of mind.  And it's mostly finances.  That's the one that always feel so human dependent.  We don't typically just see money problems getting whisked away by God.  It feels more like luck with that sort of thing.  Like a lottery.  Otherwise it's a tangible earthly thing that we typically seperate from any sort of spiritual dependent.

You work: you make money: you make responsible financial decisions: and so forth.

And yet, it's what can completely drain your entire spirit.  Your confidence, your sleep, your time, your mind, your schedule, everything is so dependent on earthly things.  Suddenly the world feels very loud and you have to make a lot of decisions based on what you KNOW.  And we don't KNOW what God will do with our finances.  It has always just felt like a different personal demon.  It causes me a lot of anxiety that I need to very much be in the control of the situation.  Even after countless times that I've had supernatural financial miracles.  Literally.  I've found money in my car on a day I ran out of gas.  I've had checks appear in the mail out of no where the week I lost a job.  Whatever.  All the things.  I am not a person to even claim that I've never had a crazy experience where God, or the universe, or whatever it is that's taking care of us in a supernatural force, had absolutely saved my ass.  And yet, I still can't release control.  I've created a thousand and one back up plans with the belief that I can't just believe that plan A and B are sufficient, and God has C thru Z figured out.

Maybe its that I can't get over the idea that God is "mostly good" not "always good".  I don't WANT to believe that.  I want to believe God is my hero and even when I can't see where he was orchestrating everything perfectly for me, I can at least trust that he was.   And in almost every circumstance I've been through in life I can absolutely see where God was in that time, and how his plan was for good, and to prosper me.  Except in one area of my life.  And this is when I asked for God, and he didn't stop it.  And when I had no voice, and was helpless, he didn't save me. 

They say God never wastes a hurt, but hurts feel like punishments.  And most of my trauma in life, I can say that I played with fire and got burned.  But there's still a lot of trauma that feels so undeserved, and confusing, and I've spent more time repairing from it than I will be able to spend enjoying being healed from it.  It's confusing, it makes me angry, and I just can't understand why it happened.  But the way I see it is I have two options: I can carry that and let that idea take over and accept that God isn't perfect, therefore, making him unable to have ever had a perfect creation, therefore, none of this ever existed, or ever had a purpose.  Life literally becomes meaningless once you eliminate Gods perfection.  Or we can believe that my human brain is still just incapable of seeing his glory through these situations.  We can have faith in the belief that just because I can not comprehend it, doesn't make it impossible.  And that every moment through my suffering, he was there, fighting a big war than I can imagine, and his plan is so perfect and supernatural that we can't put our own limited human perspective against it.  With that belief system, we are literally filled with hope that everything God has said is true, and I am as taken care of as the birds.

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"

I am choosing to believe the impossible, because without it, nothing has purpose.  I believe I'm more valuable than the birds, and just as God perfectly orchestrated this moment to make sure they were fed, I am too.   The biggest leap of faith is believing that we are loved. 

I will not bring tomorrow's worries into today.

Before Group reflections. 9/23/18 Full armor of God

Wanting to be obedient on my time.
After it's done feeling good.
Self indulgence.

->Need to be kinder.

->Feeling resentment toward my home.  Hating Arizona.

Needing to vent vs. talking badly.

Ephesians 6:13-18  FULL ARMOR OF GOD

1. Girded your loins with truth (scripture).
2. Put on your chestplate of righteousness.
3. Shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace.
4. The shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of evil.
5. Helmet of Salvation
6. Sword of the spirit (word of God)
7. All prayer & Petition

Keep your armor available

->We are in the battle of our souls <-
*But we are not battling alone*

Trials: There's a difference between :getting out" and "getting through"

If you get out-you're going to bring yourself back in, because the work still hasn't been done.   It's about growth.

Why believers find more trials than non-believers: If you're not an enemy you're not a target. 

God brings you to more trials because once you get through one, he's ready to grow you more.

Harvest Bible Church Notes 9/23/18

James 1:2-15  The crown of life

"Be your brother's keeper"  verse?

Trials and temptations:

No one is tempted by God- For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not tempt anyone.

You are tempted when you are enticed by your own lust.  We are our own worst enemy.

Rev. 2:10 "Do not fear what you are about to suffer"

James is written for Jews who were being prosecuted.

The beginning of temptation does not begin with trial-the temptation comes after the trial.  Our sinful heart is what makes us quickly jump from trial to temptation.

God starts the trial.

"A trial is my gift"

Temptation is from the outside, and some is from within.

Trial given by God --> Trial recieved by me --> Temptation is introduced --> Give in?  yes or no. 

Yes=death.

You can't give into temptation and get to God.

"Satan has a long grooming process with temptation"

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is desperately sick"  "Who can understand it?"

"if I use temptation to get out of trial, you have sinned"

Take up the armor of God.

Sitting in my anger with God (tuesday group)

Feeling disconnected, disassociated, confused, manic, holding to hope, because that's all I have right now.

Sitting in my anger with God, because if I let go of my anger towards God, then I have to take responsibility for my part in the events of my life.

If I had listened to God, I wouldn't have allowed the toxic people in my life that hurt me.  I was playing with fire.

But that doesn't explain being raped by my brother as a child.
I wasn't playing with fire, and still got burned.