Yom Kippur -Atonement & Repentance 9/18/18-9/19/18

What do I want to repent for?

What can I let go of?

What am I still hanging on to?

My vices:  Keeping unhealthy options at arms length; needing to be loved; Avoiding rejection at high costs; Impulsiveness; self indulgence (in love, food, sex, and chaos)

I don't feel like my faults fit in here.  I'm a work in progress.  I'm here for selfish reasons.  I know what other have done to me.  But God's called me to address what I have done.  I'm not ready to just change it all tonight.  I need time and space to figure it all out- and it's messy.  I need to figure out why I do these things, which requires me to talk honestly and it means I'm not always going to sound all put together.  & I'll try not to express my fleeting thoughts with too much emphasis, but sometimes those feeling thoughts feel very REAL in the moment.  They feel permanent and intense.  So here I am, heart bleeding, and too ugly for anyone to be uncomfortable with here.

Every day feels different.

I wanted to leave, feeling like I'm too big for this small group.  But I'm trying to humble myself down and trust the process that God put me right where I need to be.  So there must be value in being myself in this right now.  I'm taking a leap of faith & trusting you to help me process and improve.

I still live in fear, which causes me to be unable to live in righteousness.

I must guard myself and not allow weakness to show, because that's when I get attacked.  (Having back up plans, to have anger, to make excuses, to avoid guilt of my wrongs, because the pain is too much to bare)

When I wonder why God lets these things happen to me, I keep getting met with "God never wastes a hurt".  Why did it have to be THIS hurt?  Couldn't I have been a good enough person without having this happen to me?
"God never left you"  He was THERE?  Right THEN?  Why didn't he stop it?

HOPE Tuesday Group 9/18/2018 Chapter 24 Part 2

Jehovah-Ya'ats The God of Wisdom & Instruction
(Counselor)
Romans: transform
Proverbs 2:6
Psalms 32:8

Show the value of obedience.
Obedience requires faith, because we are clueless.

Be obedient-immediately
Avoiding obedience is disobedience.

Stop putting human understand on God's will.
-> OBEY COMPLETELY<-
(Little steps) continually.

Hebrews:
Don't take light God's disciplined.
-Lay down your will, and submit to God's.

"live by the spirit & your heart will not desire the way of the world."  -verse?

Forgiveness and reparation-

QUIT TRYING TO CONTROL GOD

Harvest Bible Church 9/16/18

"On Earth, as it is in Heaven"

-We are not all born children of God, we must all be reborn-

"Run with perserverance.  It's not a sprint-it's a daily race."

--> Everything that's put in front of us is specific & purposeful<--

Take pride in your humbleness
-James: 1:9-11 (you will wither with the flowers)

{If you're not wise, your trials will find you in the turmoil}

---Book of James is a letter, talking on the circle of trials, riches, and wisdom---

If you don't always have the end game in mind, you will faulter.

Trials hurt, and we can't get out alone.  If it didn't hurt, and we didn't need help, it wouldn't be a trial.

Wisdom helps us understand the trial, and helps us accept and find joy within the trial

Wisdom: found in the gospel, applied by the spirit

Luke 6:20-23
Poor, hungry, and ostracized.  Leap for joy, your reward lies within Heaven.  Don't worry about today.  He has taken care of you.

Suffer WITH him; so you can be glorified with Him.

Suffering is a natural part of your relationship with God.

The sufferings on Earth, not worthy to be compared to the Glory that is to be revealed to us.

Suffer so that you can fall deeper in love.

Even the rich man dies, so what matter in the end?

Glory in your humiliation

God says "you fool!  This VERY night you soul is required of you;..."

Being a believer & being rich is ok.  Just don't forget who owns your money.

When you pursue -things- your relationship with God suffers.

Enter suffering (pursue suffering) because with suffering comes closeness to God. 

Getting rid of distractions is suffering.



When comforting the suffering. when they don't want to be reminded "this isn't permanent"...just sit and suffer with them.
(The counselors of Job sat 7 days)

Reflecting on my love letter to my weaning toddler/DEAR FOREST 9/11/18

"Dear Tucker,

My Oldest baby.  My independent, sweet, self-weaning toddler.  It had been two days since you have asked to nurse, and now here you are in my arms, asking to nurse again after a melt down about having to take a bath.  I love soothing your frustrations.  Sitting in my lap, I can feel your arms stretch around me and your face against my chest, with your feet dangling down by my legs.  You are getting so big now, but you still know just how to cuddle me to melt my heart.  I know these moments are numbered now.  You've learned how to self sooth, you've learned how to put yourself down for naps, and even dad can be all the comfort you need at times.
Breast feeding you for these last 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days is the most challenging, self less, and beautiful thing I've ever done.  But I know I don't have much longer, so this is my letting go letter to you.
This has been the hardest goodbye I've ever faced in my life.  Some days I feel so touched out and done, but then moments like this, with you in my lap, I am reeled right back and and can't imagine this ever ending.  You see, I'm not just saying good bye to those big blue eyes staring up at me.  I'm not just saying goodbye to those night time snuggles where I can hear you snore off and smell your hair.  I'm not just saying good bye to those tears that have fallen down the side of my breast after you've just fallen down and skinned your knee.  I'm saying good bye to the baby who made me a mommy.  Before you I was just Amber, but the moment you were born I earned the best title in the world...A mom!  Now the name Amber just sounds so empty.  I'd rather hear a little voice call me Mommy any day.  You were the one who gave that to me, and now I have to let go of the last of your baby stage.  My heart aches for that loss.  But I'm gaining so much by saying hello to the next chapter in our relationship.  The baby stage went too fast, but I know in my heart I soaked up every moment.  So many times I was so exhausted nursing you every hour of the night, but I never slept unless I couldn't take another second.  Often I'd stay awake and watch you sleep...I never wanted to miss a thing.  I loved watching you dream and wondering if you were dreaming of me, or dreaming of still being inside of me.  I missed being pregnant with you and I know nursing you kept that connection alive for both of us.  I know you sleeping next to me allowed for you to hear my heart and feel my warmth.  I know you gained as much from that as I did.
Someday you'll be grown, and you will be by your wife's side, just like your daddy was next to me, staring at our beautiful creation with complete awe.  She'll be nursing your baby.  She will struggle,a nd be frustrated, and like your dad you'll know how special and important to her it is to succeed at this breastfeeding journey.  You'll give her encouraging words, and you'll read how-to books, and seek help from nurses for her.  When you see your wife's dedication and love on her face for your baby, I hope right then in those moments you get a glimpse of my love and dedication I have for you.  I will forever treasure our nursing relationship, our bond we created, and the blood sweat and tears [literally!] that we shed together.
You are forever my baby.  Thank you for accompanying me on this beautiful journey.
Love,
Your mom

Update 11/17/2015  about 6 months later:

Me: "you haven't nursed in a while, Tuck"
T: "Nope, I don't drink mom milk any more"
Me: "You're all done? Forever?"
T: "yup"
Me: "How about one last time?"
T: "Ok, but this is the last-iest last time ever"
...as he pops off "Thanks mom!"

My heart is shattered...but I did it. I self weaned a toddler. I breastfed Tucker for 3 years 5 months and 3 days. 8 months of which he has shared with Forest. We battled ties, mastitis, pregnancy, blood, sweat, tears, and so much joy. This has been my favorite part of motherhood. It was not easy, but it was sooooo worth it! But I saw it in his face, this was it. He went over 2 weeks without it, and this was our final goodbye. The most goodbye-iest goodbye ever. The was the last time my body would ever nourish his. I made him...I made him, and then my body grew him, and created an entire other organ to keep him alive, and then when he came out, my body made milk to continue to keep him alive. I GREW A HUMAN AND KEPT HIM ALIVE. The moments I'll forever treasure: First latch, hand stands, picking my nose while he nursed, tandem nursing and holding hands with Forest, making me nurse his dinosaurs, all the times his tears would fall down my chest and somehow my milk made it all better, all the late nights just him and I, the old man in walmart, calling them his bestfriends, telling me they taste like chocolate, helping me pump for Elliott, ok...now I'm crying. I can't believe this is over. It feels like a lifetime ago that I didn't make milk...it's just a part of my life now and I can't remember not ever doing it. So here it is, I'm no longer a tandem nurser. Tucker is no longer a baby, he's no longer a toddler. He grew up into a healthy, loving, crazy, hyper, and smart little boy...and I'd like to think our nursing relationship had a lot to do with that.  <3 
Goodbye baby Tucker. "

This was over 3 years ago.  Let's catch up, since this just made me step back. 

I'm so angry.  There are many things you compromise as a parent.  There are hard days, and I choose to feed them shitty food to get through the day, or I choose to ignore certain behaviors because I'm exhausted, or I ended up letting them have more control over things I thought I wouldn't compromise on.  BUT, when a parenting choice was ripped from you it creates such a deep wound.  It made me feel like HE won over my body.  Like what he did to me finally got the best of me.

Forest didn't get a letter like this from me.  I fear the day he asks me why.  What do I tell him?  I could play it off like "mommy just didn't have time the second time...poor second child, you." Which is such shit.  Or, I could tell him the truth.  

______________________________________

Dear Forest, my hurt and confused forcefully weaned baby, who is still aching months and months since his last nursing,

I am so sorry.

Please know that the last time I nursed you I cried.  I didn't want to let go.  But I was also fighting back the vomit as it choked me.  I breathed deep and counted in my head so that this memory would remain good, and not end with me shouting at you.  Nursing aversion is real, and is nothing new to me, but this time was different.  When I nursed you I was flooded with images of men who hurt me.  I had never experienced ptsd flash backs before, but due to recent events I was a new kind of off-my-rocker, and you were suffering because of it.  I had to choose...do I continue nursing you while it tortures me, and only leaves you confused on why mommy replaced warm cuddles with a stiff body?  Or do I let this go as easy as possible, and make some forced growth happen for the both of us?  You were 3, and everyone told me that you would be resilient and I had already given so much, so I made my choices.  I want you to know that when you are an adult, you have to make choices between two options that either both feel right, or both feel wrong, and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and pick a path.  I am never going to be here to tell you I made all the right choices.  I just want you to carry on knowing that I always did the best I could with what I had available to me at that moment.  I wanted to reflect back on our nursing days with happy memories, so that would be what I could fill you up with, rather than our last days be full of confusion for the both of us.

I'm not a believer in burdening children with your experiences just to relieve yourself of your guilt, which is why if you ever see this, you will be much older.  But I also want to be transparent with you, so as we grow older together you can be clear in the truth and make decisions and opinions for yourself.  I also am responsible for growing you into a man, and I am responsible for making you into a man that betters the world, not worsens it.  I want you to know what humans are capable of doing, so you can foster a world that can fight evil instead of becoming it.  All humans are capable of hurting other humans, but I believe if you listen, you can avoid hurting a lot of people.  There is power in sharing your story, because sharing your story stops history from repeating.  It also helps you understand the reality of those on the other side.  And maybe you will fall in love with a woman who has been on this side of things, and it's my job to prepare you to know how to love a woman, how to see a woman, and how to hear a woman.  And statistically speaking, it is likely that at some point in your life you will be a lover to a woman who was hurt like me.  And maybe you will father her children, and you will have to walk by her side through exactly where I am in my life RIGHT NOW.  So Forest, right now you may be an 18 year old just discovering the complexity of women.  Or maybe you are 26 and about to be a father to a woman who has just discovered that the biggest ptsd trigger she has ever experienced is this newly postpartum period and its your baby she is caring for.  I want you to hear the heart of the first woman in your life, so that you can care for every woman who comes in your life after me.  

Your dad and I separated in the middle of our nursing relationship.  You spent the first 9 months nursing by your brothers side, sharing your milk every day with your best friend.  Tucker weaned and we enjoyed another 2 years to ourselves.  I nourished your body day in and day out, on demand.  I twirled your hair in my fingers as you squeezed me close, dozens of times a day.  I want you to know that everything I gave Tucker, I gave to you, until I couldn't any more.  The phrase "I gave you my body" is not a dramatization.  I gave you my entire body, 24 hours a day, and everything i did revolved around what you needed for comfort and growth.  I don't say that with resentment, I say that with pride and a love so deep it actually aches in my chest.  I love you more than you can ever imagine.  

Our separation has never been your business, and it doesn't matter anyways.  Maybe he didn't fight enough, but I was difficult to be with.  Maybe he didn't communicate, but I know I came with baggage he wasn't capable of taking on.  Maybe he was lazy and irresponsible, but I was impulsive and anxious.  None of it matters now, but at the time it DID matter, and I was a fucking mess.  Divorce was the right choice, but it was a hard choice, and it affected all of us.  That's just the reality.  We vow that we won't let things affect the kids when we make these big decisions, but that's not how it is.  We make decisions that we know will affect the kids, knowing that we are preventing more pain in the future.  That's what being a mom is.  Trying to make the best choices based on what we know in that moment, and in that moment I knew that taking on the weight and mess that comes with divorce was going to affect our nursing relationship, and everything else.  But I knew that taking a hit on your toddlerhood would ultimately give us freedom to have some amazing things for you in your childhood and through your adulthood.  So I made the choice.  Most of the days in those months of transitioning our family are mostly a blur.  I worked multiple jobs with multiple shift hours.  I got two hours of sleep in the morning, and two hours at night.  I worked graveyard jobs so I only had to be away full time from you at night, and only away from you when you were awake minimally at my par time day jobs.  I did the best to identify what you needed the most and tried to keep as much normalcy in your life at the cost of my own comfort and sanity.  Instead of putting you into daycare, I chose to sleep less, take care of you during the day, homeschool your brother, and let you sleep at your dads at night.  But I broke.  Sleep deprivation came with suicidal thoughts, impulsive behavior, confusion, resentment, and anger.  Everything felt so unfair.  Just when I couldn't handle anymore, I was given more.  Circumstantially, this time in our lives was the hardest I had ever experienced.  Every thing I did was for you and your brother.  Even when I was doing things for myself, it was so that I could be a better mom to you.

I wonder if the pains I see in you now when you are still begging for milk and comfort half a year after weaning, will be pain that will leak into your emotional being the rest of your life.  I have to believe that whatever pain you are experiencing now, is better than the pain I prevented from happening if I had chosen differently, but it doesn't stop me from being sorry.  My heart is broken every day for the things that didn't turn out the way I thought they would for you, for all of us.  But if you're reading this, then we made it.  And I believe we will make it.

I vow to you that I'm going to handle my shit.  I'm going to get healthy.  I'm going to get a grip, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life stripping away the parts of me that are holding me back, and replace them with healthy habits, beliefs, and faith.  And I'm not just going to do that for myself, I'm doing it for you two.  I'm never going to let a man win over what I want with my own body every again.  I won't ever be a victim again.  And that starts with making sure I make you into men who break cycles, which can only be done by a mother who has healthy boundaries and a clear vision of her path.

Please love your wife.  Protect her.  Be patient.  Be gentle.  Listen.  Educate yourself.  Support her. Help her.  Take on her emotional load too-care about the things she cares about.  Empower her.  Hold space and time for her.  

I love you son.

HOPE (tuesday group) 9/11/18 Chapter 24 Jehovah-Ya'ats Wisdom & Instruction [2nd time hearing]

Spiritual Maturity: When you choose to be obedient even when you don't feel like it.

"Give careful thought to your ways"
Obedience is the catalyst to prayer-it makes it happen.
Obedience requires faith (in His plan)

--> BE OPEN TO REVIECING <--

God doesn't waste a hurt, keep going.

It gets harder to obey the longer you wait.  It gets easier to justify & procrastinate.
Hate how obedience feels?  Do it anyways-the right emotions will catch up with time.  Trust the process.  Trust the sacrifices.

**I only obey because I fear the consequences, not because I want to be obedient.  How do I change this attitude?  How do I WANT to obey, just to please God?**

What is God asking me to be obedient with in my life right now?  Why am I fighting it?
After some reflection, the two main things God is asking for obedience in right now are: eliminating my vices as options at all.  I justify this by saying "I'm not currently partaking in any of vices, then theres no harm in keeping them there in the back of my mind" but truthfully I always orchestrate back up plans to make sure they are available at my fingertips whenever I want them.  He is also calling me to be more obedient in prayer, and taking action in my healing process...including surrounding myself with godly fellowship, and eliminating the things in my life holding me back.

RUN TO THE PATH, HE WILL SET YOU FREE.  

Don't wait.  Don't hesitate.  Everything is orchestrated just for you.

Why God's way?  Check Isaiah 55:8

God's promises to you if you obey:

• You will live longer
• You will have what all you need
• You will have what you ask for (if your will is aligned with God's will)
• You will live in freedom
• You will be able to show God's love through you
• You will be wise
• You will be blessed
• You will be pure
• You will be WISE (because wisdom is knowledge with action)
• You will be successful
• You will be honored and have delight
• You will have peace
• & You will have Heaven.  

All of these things are backed with scripture and are promised to those who believe & obey.

**What does healing actually look like?  Is this a tangible thing that I can actually hang on to?  I'm feeling hopeless that healing is possible for me.**

"My callings from God in this area will be different, but obedience will be required of both of us."

Universal calls from God: 

• 10 commandments
• Love
• Follow
• Worship
• Witness
• Godliness
• Holiness
• Live by the Holy Spirit
• & Action.

Discipline yourself in your own relationship with God, so you can discipline your kids, so they can be prepared to be disciplined in their relationship with God and what he calls them to do.

I am a woman, and this is what I think.

This title belongs to an entire different writing project, but my scrambled potential poetry fell below the title, with nothing on topic filling in what I intended.

I think you're obsessed with my mess.
That's the only logical explanation for why you listen so intently.

I stopped writing so you wouldn't see
and misconstrue me
Don't you hate it when that trauma comes sneaking in just to remind you that you're never going to be ok.  Don't worry I annoy myself enough for the both of us

-"You never know what you've been through until you go to cough it out"-

As if you have anything worthy to say

The memories are getting fainter and fainter, but I know I'll always hate her
I'll forever remember how she made you felt.
That horrible taste she brought about.
I just want it out, I want it out.

All----the roads that never lead
We drove every inch and seemed to never have much more to need
Not knowing if it's really love or just that rambling weed

I'm a different kind of reckless
I like the time it takes to get somewhere.  When the adrenaline strips you raw.

I try not to be your chaos, but you seem to like it.  Maybe you really are just obsessed with the mess.  Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself.

HOPE Sunday Group 9/9/18 Chapter 26 Jehovah Shalom God of Peace (Part 2-second time hearing)

Guilt can be as damaging as ___

What is my guilt? [create blue print]
How do I express guilt?
What responsibility in the situation belongs to me?  (admitting fault)
How can I let it go?

"It is done"-Christ

"Come to God clearly and simply"

Act of reparation-confess & heal

Truth:
Hope: God is unchanging
Love: